Reinventing the Midlife Myth

I know I know! I promised this weeks ago. Life got in the way, again! And my house is in a remodeling upheaval and I’m one of those anal types that need a semblance of order before I can do anything! Now I have to write juicier stuff or you’ll be disappointed. I also wanted to finish reading the ’50 shades of Grey’ books. I was hoping there’d be some really good info in the series – there was some but having to listen to a whiney, confused and frankly, quite stupid, 24 year old wasn’t worth it.
A ‘few’ weekends ago I met with 2 girl friends for drinks overlooking the water and Seattle – beautiful day. Somehow the subjects of books came up, you know, the hot book of the day…50 shades of Grey. That started off a very interesting evening. We talked about SEX! Various forms, ways it can be done, toys you can play with…an a few explanations on how some were used! (one of us knew a lot more than the other 2)! One thing leads to another and we were en route to an adult toy store. Turns out there’s a good one about 10 minutes from my house. 
So we spent about 40 minutes inside, looking over everything. Asking each other what some of the items were (yes, I asked that question a couple times). We even were bold enough to ask the proprietor when we were all stumped! We had a great time, learned some new tricks and shared our old tricks. Girl talk is a blast!

Last week I was working on putting some new wiper blades on my car. I had figured out that because they were from my previous car only one would work and was relaying this info to my neighbor when he told me he was impressed I could do that. Why was this so impressive? I used to be able to change my oil & filter, I caulk around the bath tub & shower, I put furniture together, installed a garbage disposal (even when I was married I installed one!) and change light fixtures. Can I do these things because of my personality or is it because I was married to a city guy or is it because I was a real estate agent for 20 years and saw all the house things that need to be maintained? I think it’s because I don’t like to feel helpless, it reminds me how big the world is and how small I am. I feel safe knowing how things work and fixing them. I’ll continue learning how to maintain more household stuff (my brother-in-law is a mechanic so I don’t need to worry about cars).

Recently my mom and sister went on a cruise without me. Since my dad died the 3 of us have gone on cruises together but this time I decided to not go. The destinations didn’t excite me, there were no dive options and I had just gone on vacation to Mexico (one of the stops). So I stayed home. Well, lo and behold, I missed them! It was only a week and I was so surprised that I really, really missed them!
I know you all are thinking ‘well they are your family, dummy, of course you’d miss them’. I would agree with you but add some information. For 17 years I was married to a man who didn’t really like his family. There was nothing wrong with his family, they just weren’t close, at all! I suspect he didn’t really like my family either solely because they were ‘family’. If they had been just friends he would have liked them (I’ll get into this psychology sometime!). And no matter what you believe, if you live with someone long enough you start to act and think like them. Maybe it’s just women who do this but I did it and I do get that it’s a type of brainwashing, but not done intentionally (maybe). While I was married, I didn’t see my family as much as I should have, we talked on the phone but visits were infrequent, largely because my husband at the time was always a pain in the ass when we went to visit. Toward the end of the marriage, I didn’t even bring him with on visits.
I’ve been working on changing my attitude over the last 4 years and have come back to appreciating my family and wanting to spend time with them. They are fun, nice and the only people who will put up with me when I’m being a bitch!
So I’m contemplating moving back home, into my own house, thank you! It’s a scary thought and a big one for me. I’ve always thought my sister and I would live out our old age together but that’s a long way away. I’m thinking of moving now, yikes! But my mom is getting older and I would like to spend time with her. My sister is like my best friend and the cost of living is almost half!
Do I move or am I just worried about something? That’s an oddball statement, you say? Yes, but…over the last many years I have had the desire to move to a small town, enjoy the peace and tranquility and slow down. Then each and EVERY time I have fixed some problem or problem someone and the desire to move goes away (dang, I really wish I had that psychology degree, this is so telling).
Yes, there are a couple things in my life that are bothering me but I’m not sure if that’s the problem or not this time. Fortunately, I can’t and won’t move soon and time will tell how this will resolve itself. Maybe I just need another big adventure and this would be it! CHANGE IS GOOD!

Did you grow up with ‘Good Towels’? You know, the ones in the bathroom you couldn’t use? How about the living room you were allowed to go in only on certain holidays? Do you have ‘good underwear’? That one I haven’t had for a long time – I always try to wear good underwear (just in case I’m in an accident)!
Back to the good towels. I used to have some nice red towels (I had a red bathroom countertop from the 70’s and I really liked it!) hanging in the bathroom. I’d always had nice towels hanging that were NOT to be used. Even in my first apartment when I was 19. I don’t remember exactly when I got rid of my good towels but I remember walking in to the bathroom one day, looked at the towels and thought how stupid it was for me to have good towels! It was a small bathroom with one big towel rack and a little hand towel rack. I took those things down, washed them (because they got dusty from non-use!) and have never had good towels again.
I feel the same way about life, especially midlife – use it, don’t keep it for a special occasion. Do things, use things, give away things. It’s only a possession and you can always get more or better yet something new and different!
Did you ever hear someone say on their deathbed “Gosh, I wish I had used those good towels”?

Sometimes writing this blog is so hard. I want to share things, personal things. Things I’ve gone through over the last 10+ years – I think it’s good for women to share and to hear others feel the same way “I’m NOT an oddball”. But each time I think of a great personal story I get scared that no one will like it, no one wants to hear what I have to say, no one feels this way. Well, dammit I think other women do feel this way and I’ve got something to share! I will bear my soul! (LOL!).
When I got divorced I was so excited about being independent, doing what I want and only what I want. I don’t have to compromise anymore. One day between moving out and the divorce being final I saw this very modern couch and thought “I could buy that, I could really buy that and I don’t have to ‘ask’ anyone”. I DID NOT need anyone’s consent. Boy, that felt great! I furnished my house in everything I WANTED!
I was independent; had my own house, my own job, my own money and didn’t need anyone. Then why was I always thinking about finding another love interest? I think we all assume we’re going to grow old with someone and spend retirement together doing whatever it is you want to do in retirement. Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve been in a serious relationship. Sometimes I panic with the usual “OMG, what if I never find that someone?” I’ve never really taken that thought to heart but lately I have been thinking that it’s a very real possibility that I might not find ‘that someone’. That is a scary thought but you know what? I would still rather have MY furniture, MY house, MY job than be in a relationship that makes me miserable. I may be alone but I’m not lonely. I have MY family, MY friends, MY dog and My cats. I still get a little freaked but I just call my sister and she helps make it better. So, if a guy is going to come into my life he’s going to have his act together and be the man I want!

Okay, so after 11 days of not spending extraneous money I’m giving up! It really wasn’t doing anything for me but making me make a list of what I needed after my month was up. Oh well. I did learn that I’m pretty good with money (at least for 11 days) – I didn’t want to buy anything frivolous just stuff for my house, my dog and 2 cats.
Just because I quit doing my experiment it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. I tried something, it didn’t work, so I’m moving on. If being afraid of failure makes you not try something new, GET OVER IT! Change can be fun and exciting and you can always quit if you don’t like it.
I learn some interesting information last night – evidently, it’s very difficult for adults to learn new things, not because the mind won’t let us but just because we won’t do it. How boring is that? If I didn’t learn new stuff I would go crazy and life would be so boring.
This is the best time of our lives, we should be learning a new skill, a new sport, a new craft, ANYTHING! Go out and learn something new this week! I’m going to learn how to remove hardwood flooring from on top of hardwood flooring!

I was listening to the radio yesterday and heard about a family in California who are not going to spend extraneous money for one month. They are walking, doing fun, free activities, no shopping. They stocked up on food and won’t even need to go to the grocery store. The parents are trying to teach their children that money doesn’t grow on trees.
I know money doesn’t grow on trees but I thought this would be interesting to do so I’ve decided to try my own version…..no shopping for anything but groceries, no spending money at restaurants (though I have a couple commitments I need to keep), no spending money on fun activities like movies, bowling, etc. I may have to make up some rules as I go but I’m going to give it a shot. I’ll have to seek out some free activities.
What does this have to do with midlife? Well, midlife is a time of change, a time to try things you’ve never done before…I’ve never put myself on a budget or actually tried to curb my spending. Don’t get me wrong – I’m very good with my money, when I choose to be.
I’m a storer, not a hoarder, I have full cupboards and a full freezer with food…comes from my mom’s time spent during the depression…though she was born after it! And I hate to run out of toilet paper and NEVER have!
No shopping, no movies, no coffee dates, no buying things for the house (unless the roof starts leaking!), no buying things for the dog and cats, nothing. It’ll be interesting to see if I can do it and if I can I’m taking all the money I saved and spending it on a dive vacation, YAY!
I’m going to start on Monday so I can give myself the weekend to go out and get all the things I’ll need.